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Topic Please help: rapist confrontation Go to previous topic Go to next topic Go to higher level

By spoilt rotten On 04/07/04  

Okay, hopefully that's got your attention, I wasn't sure what to title this post, hopefully that gets me some help! PS: Sorry to be using Glitter so much lately, please bear with me.

Okay so it's late at night, I get on the net open my inbox and there's a letter from an old friend inviting me over to her place on Saturday night, for drinks and a look at her photos from overseas. Fair enough, except...
Towards the end of the email she comments that "'her brother' is coming down too, so should be sweet".
I went to her 18th birthday party last year and her brother raped me that night. I was 17 he was 20, I had been drinking, he hadn't. I never want to see him again. I guess it's pretty pointless trying to convince myself I'll be fine and I'm over it because obviously I'm not. I don't know if anyone can relate to this experience but it seems to me like you can never really get over it. He was a friend and he completely betrayed my trust.
It's not that I'm afraid it'll happen again, I just don't want to see him again, I've been really lucky, I haven't seen him for a year and I don't want to.
I can't really talk to many people about this because he's kind of a golden boy where I come from, everyone likes him and I'm not so pathetic that I want to turn people against him.
I told my boyfriend about it and he said "just wait until Sunday and email her back saying you're sorry and you just got the email and you'll catch up with her soon."
I know I'm being selfish, and unfair to her by not going, but I can't convince myself that it'll be good for me to go. I don't see why I should put myself in a position where I'll have to see him again.
Please help.

By outofrange On 04/07/04  

first, im sorry that this happened to you. really, i am.

second, i would just be honest. tell her how you feel. if she doesn't understand, how good of friend is she really???

good luck.

By AirForceLady On 04/07/04  

Does your friend know what happened? If she doesn't, she should...

Could you tell her that you'd rather have a girls' night, and maybe invite friends where you are as well?

Sorry you have to go through this...

By misshawklet On 04/07/04  

you dont have to let yourself be in the position to see him agian, so don't go. and certainly press charges if you feel like you want to.

also, please talk to someone in real life about this if you can.


By crazybones On 04/07/04  

Don't go, and tell your friend why. He might have done/will do the same thing again. You don't have to put yourself in that position at all.

By lozenge On 04/07/04  

i say dont go. and tell your friend why (as others have said)

putting yourself through seeing him again would most likely make things worse for yourself.

many *hugs* to you

i hope if you decide to tell your frined it goes okay for you.

By deleria On 04/07/04  


you were raped and you are worrying about someone else's feelings? i'm impressed. if he is going to be there, your being upset/having a confrontation is going to be more upsetting than your politely declining an invitation.

but, if you can, i think you should tell her you were raped by him. she might be angry and shut you out, but on the other hand, there might be more people like you who didn't have the courage to speak up against this "golden boy."

By antigone On 04/07/04  

please think about reporting him. He doesn't deserve to go through life as if he did nothing wrong. Rape is among the worst things, if not THE worst thing, that can happen to a person. It's not too late to report him. Be strong, and talk to someone irl.

By hazel1 On 04/07/04

i found this website, maybe they can help? i agree you shouldn't go, though...

By misshawklet On 04/07/04  

i also want to point out that it is HER CHOICE to report him or not. She should not be pressured to do so. I really really feel like the survivor needs to make up her/his decisions about how far they want to go, etc.

By Martita On 04/07/04  

spoilt...I feel for you so much...I was raped at 17 and never reported anything.

"I'm not so pathetic that I want to turn people against him."

Know that I don't think that doing so would be pathetic. I also don't think YOU would be turning people against him if you told. He, after all, is the one who committed a pathetic and heinous act. It is, of course, entirely up to you how you deal with this, but I think you are justified in doing anything you choose and YOU DO NOT have to explain yourself.

By antigone On 04/07/04  

Isn't it scary that so few rapes are reported though? I mean, if ANY other crime happens - your house is broken into, your purse is stolen, you're threatened, someone is murdered - you call the police, right? No question about it? But when someone is raped... It's horrible that women still feel ashamed (at lack of better term) when they did nothing wrong, they were violated by someone. We've already discussed this, I know, but still...

By misshawklet On 04/07/04  

yes but still, i feel like it should be the survivor's choice. always. if a person does not report b/c she/he does not feel safe to, that is one thing. but if she/he doesn't want to for other reasons, they reserve that right.

By crazybones On 04/07/04  

That's a good point, misshawklet. In retrospect, I should have just said, "don't go." Can you make plans w/your friend for another time? Do you even want to keep contact w/this friend?

By favorgrl On 04/07/04  

If you don't want to go, don't. There isn't really any reason to put yourself through it unless you want to. Even if your friend doesn't know or you don't want to tell her, I would tell her you are uncomfortable around her brother or something. Later on you may be hanging out with her and he drops by or she invites him along and forgets to tell you.


By sharem On 04/07/04  

spoilt rotten first im sorry that happened to you ....

second do what u feel comfortable doing...if you feel like telling HER why or not. it's what u are comfortable with....if you want to see her maybe you can suggest something for her and you only to do.

ive had a similar situation, where a dear friends friend tried raping me; i snapped and fought this time(ive been raped before) and for years i didn't say nothing to her really just hinted to her...and she didn't get it. she kept bringing up this persons name and i kept brushing it..then he asked for my number a year or two back...then my email through her....i kept telling her Hell no........then she came here with him and i took a deep breathe and spell it out more clearly to her why i didn't want to be around him....

good luck and much strength to u and to whatever u decide to do about seeing your friend *hugs*

By invisilurker On 04/07/04  


By pinkconfetti On 04/07/04  

Whoa, know what, it's *totally* spoilt rotten's decision whether or not she wants to report this. Although everyone keeps saying this, not many people seem to be actually quitting the guilt trip they're putting on her.

First off, she didn't ASK whether or not she should report it. I'm sure she's thought about this already.

Secondly, even if she did report it, a large percentage of convicted rapists just repeat the crime again - In Canada, something like 49%. Beyond that, very few rapists are EVER convicted. Instead, the victim is cross-examined, made to feel like shit, and their recovery process is completely sabotaged in the process.

I'm not saying this because I don't care about other females out there that he may be doing this to...I'm just saying that there's a lot of failure on the part of the justice system to deal with rapists.

So, enough with the guilt trip. Let's get back to her issue.

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