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By missnotsohappy On 04/06/04  

Though I have been here a few years,
I set up this alternate glitter Id a while back, because my SO sometimes checks to see what I post on glitter.

There are quite a few things that are a problem, but I will stick to the main one for now:

He is a heavy drinker and for many reasons, it is making me miserable. We have known each other for at least 7 years, so this is nothing new, but when we met he was in his partying phase (I took that for what it was)

When we later got together I know he must have toned down the drinking alot, and even not needed it. He would stay at my place for days at a time and there was not sign of the behavior to follow.

Since we have lived together and later got married (about 4 years) things have become really hard to take. I wouldn't go as far as to say he's a full-blown alcoholic as he doesn't get drunk and get beat me or anything. (well, I would, but he disagrees, though we have discussed it and on a few rare occassions he has admitted he has a problem -all other times he denies it and tries to make me look crazy for suggesting it.)

There have been fights and a few yelling matches, but mostly what bothers me is his obnoxious behavior when he has been drinking and the way it takes over from normal life. Example: Last night I came home late and he was passed out on the couch with drool running down his face onto the cushions. There were beer cans and empty glasses etc. No big deal, once or twice but it is when he does this many times, with all the lights on and Tv blaring all night, and doors to the house unlocked in a seedy neighborhood, it worries me.

He has been out drinking a few times and almost got into fights.

The people he hangs out with from work don't get to see the full story. They just think he is the "happy drunk" and life of the party. But I am the one he comes home to and has to deal with the consequences and unpleasant behavior.

Today, I stayed home to try and clean our "outside room" and laundry area.

This is of the subject of our most recent big fight: I have asked him numerous times to help me clean and organize it because there is furniture and such I cannot move, and he says it is all my mess because my craft stuff and other things are stored there.

All I have done in the past hour, is pick up his beer cans and empty cig. boxes, that are scattered everywhere, as well as tobacco out of the dryer from when he put a whole pack of smokes in the wash by mistake. Many of the pieces of "evidence" are hidden away in boxes which he stuffs behind and inside things so I won't find them in the trash.

Then, I open a cupboard that we haven't touched since we moved almost a year ago and there was another empty rum bottle stashed behind some rags. This is not a one-off. I find these things all over the house in weird hiding places, behind furniture, in the computer room in bags, behind the couch and more.

He also lies compulsively about going to the bar after work, saying he's working late.

I know I am not perfect by far, but i have tried to address this in different ways, and i feel it is hopeless.

I can't even think of what advice to ask for, because of course, it's hard to give the full picture, but still, thanks for letting me vent, if you have made it this far.



By crazybones On 04/06/04  

Maybe Al-Anon would be a good place to go? I'm pretty sure that spouses & families have the meetings too, even if the drinking person doesn't attend. Do you want to stay with him? If not, are you able to separate from him? If you do want to stay with him, do you have access to marital counselling services? I think the Al-Anon group can help if you don't.

(hug)



By misshawklet On 04/06/04  

ick. I'm sorry, that sounds awful.

If he is not responding to your requests for cutting back the drinking, then maybe its time for an ultimadom. (sp?) That is, if you feel safe. Do you have children?

He sounds like he has a major problem, and you are left dealing with it, since he won't himself.

If you feel safe telling him, you can tell him he gets help or you are leaving, etc. If you don't feel safe telling him, get someplace safe and call him, leave him a note, etc.

Your safety at this point is my main concern.

Also, is there added stress in his life, etc. that has led him to drinking agian, or has he just been hiding it from you?

If you really think it is hopeless, maybe it is, and maybe its time to get out.

write us back. or you can email me directly if you care to.

also, what the hell is he looking at your posts for?



By DameTartine On 04/06/04  

(hugs) I'm sorry to see that you have to use the alias again. It was a name I wasn't looking forward to seeing again :-/
Al-Anon could be a good start. From what you tell us, your husband has a drinking problem. I'm not familiar with the 12-steps programs, but I know they can organize interventions, which might help him in terms of realizing what he's doing to himself and to you.

What about his family and friends? Are you alone in this? Could you bring them in?

You can e-mail me if you want to talk. And please do keep us posted.

Good lucks and good vibes to you.



By deleria On 04/06/04  

if he is hiding things from you, he at least subconsciously knows that he has a problem.

i don't have any experience with this sort of thing, but i don't think you can make him stop drinking. he has to want to. whether or not you can make him see the light is a different story.



By Trilobite On 04/06/04  

You describe him as making you miserable, making you look crazy, and behaving obnoxiously.

I'd like to ask why you're still with him. You don't have to answer here, but I think you do need to answer that for yourself.



By advil On 04/06/04  

I'm really sorry for you. I would also go with Trioblite: you don't own him anything, and he's not good for you since he makes you feel bad about yourself. I know it's easier to say than do, that you have been together for long years, but this really doesn't sound like something through which you would want to live any more time, no? Things can be much nicer and easier.



By Chelsea Belle On 04/06/04  

It does sound like he's got a problem. And his hiding things is one manifestation of that. I'd definitely suggest counseling if he's open to it. If not, it sounds like you've got one option: leave.

Be strong, be brave.



By denimqueen On 04/07/04  

All the advice here is really great. Take it to heart and really think about your options. I wish you good luck and hope everything works out for the best for you.



By knittykat On 04/07/04  

I would definitely say he is an alcoholic. Drinking to the point of passing out, hiding alcoholic beverages, and forgetting basic life things like cleaning up or locking the doors are all big signs of a problem.

He is also in denial. Saying that he's tried or that he needs it or that he's stressed or whatever is making excuses for him.

Of course this is easy for me to say since it's not my husband, but I would say if he refuses to get help that you get out of the relationship. Unchecked alcoholism does not get better it gets worse. He is not beating you now but what about in the future?

Is there somewhere you can go like your mother's or a sister's or something? I would say pack a suitcase and leave for a week. Tell him at the end of that week you will talk and he is going to have to get help or you are leaving for good. Even if he won't get counselling you need it--talk to your church or local health board.

Hugs,
Kat



By brdgt On 04/07/04  

Everyone is giving really good advice here.

The main points here are that he will not change unless he wants to - you cannot persuade him to change. It may work for a little while and he'll put up a good effort - but unless he really has decided for himself, it will not change.

Also, you shouldn't feel bad for a) not complaining before b) not being perfect yourself - if you have decided that this is an issue, then you should do something about it - and the only thing you can do is with yourself (ie: move out, separate, etc.) You really need to put yourself first here because it is obviously an issue.

You may not be able to affect change in him - but you can make some positive changes in your life.



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