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By Chelsea Belle On 04/05/04  

My boy and I have been together for nearly 3 years and live together. Lately, I've been feeling completely taken for granted. He doesn't do anything special for me or anything that takes much *thought* at all. Maybe he'll bring me a cookie when the bakery gives him the wrong kind. Whoop-de-doo. I'm leaving on a week-long trip shortly and when I asked him to drive me to the airport he said "If I'm not going to see a band that night, I will". WTF? I'm not going to stand being second on his priority list.

Are all boys self-centered and thick-headed? Just mine? Oh, and he's 27, so he should be plenty "grown up" by now.



By whywhyzee On 04/05/04  

Wow. That's pretty crappy.

And no, not all boys are like that.

It sounds like you need to have having A Serious Talk pretty soon.



By looloo On 04/05/04  

I second having A Serious Talk. And don't take "okay" for an answer! See if there is a reason he is doing this, it may just be that he does not see these things as being wrong.



By favorgrl On 04/05/04  

Did he do special things for you at the begining of the relationship? If so maybe the two of you are just in a rut. Try talking to him. I'd definately tell him that you don't want to play #2. You'll be leaving for a week, the least he can do is drive you to the airport.

favorgrl



By Chelsea Belle On 04/05/04  

I made it abundantly clear that I expect that he should drive me to the airport and I think he realized that he better.

He readily admits that he's lazy and tells me to call him on his shit. I just get tired of having to do so.

I think a big talk is in order soon. I think the week apart will be good.



By lulabelle On 04/05/04  

Perhaps the worst thing about a lazy boyfriend who takes you for granted is it starts making you wonder if maybe you don't really deserve better. You totally do.



By researchasaurus On 04/05/04  

Are we the same person Chelsea Belle? I'm in the same boat, except I'm marrying mine in a couple months.

Don't give up, because it can get worked out. You just have to communicate about your differences and needs. A lot, and often.

I can't tell you how many times I have spent grumbling over just being asked if I need help with cooking or chores or whatever. I don't even care that much about what he actually does, just that he appears concerned. Some boys really live in their own worlds, but you can work on it. You can!

Mine is getting better all the time, otherwise I couldn't stay with him. Change is possible, but it takes plenty of patience. (And a little yelling.)

Good luck!
Heidi



By kungfugirl On 04/05/04  

As someone who is in the same boat, here's my advice:

First, try to find out what his reasons for being this way are, then decide whether you can deal with this aspect of his personality because the rest of your relationship is good enough. It's extremely hard for people to change their personalities, and you can nag/hint/have all the talks you want, but most likely, the progress he makes will be temporary and small.

You might also try doing the kinds of things you expect him to do for you for him, to see whether this makes a difference and maybe causes him to feel like he owes you something nice in return. I realized that I had all these expectations of my boyfriend, but that I wasn't going out and buying him gifts for no reason or picking up the tab for our dinners, either, and it's kind of antiquated to expect the guy to do all of these things for you just because he's the guy.

When you live with someone, regardless of whether it's a roommate, a relative, or a boyfriend, you're going to have to compromise some of your expectations of what that person should be like for the reality of who the person actually is. If this isn't a compromise you can live with, you should probably find someone who does this sort of thing.



By Convict7 On 04/05/04  

I totally agree with Kungfugirl, and I don't mean for this to be directed at a specific person, but take a look at the thread. It seems to me that a lot of women have expectations of their SO to give them some sort of special treatment because they are the woman. Many so called feminist women have the idea that men should cater to them. These sort of ideas really make me wonder, if we are equal, then why am I expected to open doors for you, buy your food, give you gifts? Just wondering.

BTW... so she doesn't think I am complaining, my SO almost never expects things from me, which makes me all the happier to do things for her.



By looloo On 04/05/04  

You know what? I think I take my hubby for granted and I know better. I thought about that after Chelsea said that her guy told her to call him on his mistakes. That sounds like something I would do, basically because I don't really notice I am doing anything wrong!

I try to tell him that he is a superhero and that I appreciate him and all, but I am just not the type of person to express much emotion.



By Tigrrrl On 04/05/04  

Convict7, I don't think that they/we are looking for special treatment nearly so much as a hand with the housework or in the first post, a ride to the airport. There have been numerous threads about how to get the husband or live-in to pick up after themselves, etc. but I haven't seen any yet about "why doesn't he buy me flowers?" My ex thought he was moving in with his mama, pt. 2. As in I was expected to cook, clean and generally take care of his needs. That's why he's my ex.

That being said, I'm sure there are also women as you described, who expect special treatment. But that's not what I see here.

PS. Shut up and bring me another beer. (: Just kidding...)



By lulabelle On 04/06/04  

"It seems to me that a lot of women have expectations of their SO to give them some sort of special treatment because they are the woman. Many so called feminist women have the idea that men should cater to them. These sort of ideas really make me wonder, if we are equal, then why am I expected to open doors for you, buy your food, give you gifts? Just wondering."

This post depresses the crap outta me. Do you really not understand the difference between "special treatment" and respect? Do you really think kindness and consideration towards somebody you care about qualifies as "cater(ing) to"? And are you so stingy with your affections that you would begrudge them to the people (read: women) you ostensibly care enough about to share your life with?


"my SO almost never expects things from me, which makes me all the happier to do things for her."

Yeah? What a lucky girl she is, then. If one expects nothing, one is never disappointed.



By Convict7 On 04/06/04  

I can take the personal attacks for sharing my opinion, But I don't think the jab at my SO was really needed. That's just mean.



By jasmineT On 04/05/04  

Last time mrT started taking me for granted I made his favorite dinner. I wouldn't serve it though until he sang "Ain't No Woman Like the One I Got" like he meant it. (the four tops version but i think jerry garcia did a version, too) We didn't yell or fight and I made my point without making him feel like crap. It was funny as hell too.



By cleanout On 04/05/04  

[deleted]



By ai On 04/05/04  

jasmineT--that's hilarious. i'm totally going to try that next time the need arises.



By mishymisu On 04/05/04  

Gotta agree with Athos on this one, I had to go back and carefully read all the threads to try and figure out what sort of "special treatment" convict was talking about and failed to find any. We're not talking about whatever bizarre warped version of feminism he's referring to which comes complete with chocolates and flowers and being waited on hand and foot but just some decent common courtesy. There are people who work at my office and barely know me who would drive me to the airport, I sure hope the guy who says he loves me could be bothered to scrape himself off the couch to save me from taking the hour long sketchy bus trip to the airport.

Poor Kungfugirl, to be so agreed with :P



By kungfugirl On 04/06/04  

Yeah, I'd have to say not giving you a ride to the airport in case there happens to be a show he wants to see is just LAME. I'm only assuming the other thoughtful things you're referring to are of the chivalrous 'pick up the tab once in a while' kind, in which case I'd stand by my earlier advice. But if they're all of the blatantly jerky nature such as the ride example, then I'd seriously bitch him out or dump him.

My advice was based on my personal situation, in which I've been jealous of my friends who have boyfriends that never show up at their houses without flowers or who buy their friends drinks just because they happened to be standing around. I've since realized that my boyfriend's just not like that, and neither am I, for that matter, so I shouldn't expect him to do these things just because he's the guy. I didn't mean to imply that any of you felt the same way or expected the same sort of treatment.



By Trilobite On 04/06/04  

Hell, I know someone whose *ex-husband* will give her a ride to the airport.

To my mind, giving a ride, helping you move, bringing a six-pack when you come over...these are all things I would expect occasionally from friends, never mind significant others.

Seriously. Why have someone in your life who doesn't hold up their end of the friendship and takes you for granted? Especially if you're living with them and presumably have some thoughts about this relationship being for the long haul.

A friend of mine recently went to the emergency room after a seizure triggered by a drug reaction. Her SO has been amazing throughout a very difficult time of dealing with doctors and hospitalization. *That's* the sort of person you want to go through a life journey with.



By Convict7 On 04/06/04  

The "special treatment" I was refering to, mishymisu, was implied in this sentance.

"He doesn't do anything special for me or anything that takes much *thought* at all."

That does not sound like she is asking for some help with household duties. It specifically said she is looking for him to do special things for her. That is what I was commenting on, not the specific ride to the airport, but the implications of SOME women looking for special treatment. I was not saying all women or even all women in this thread, but simply that I noticed something that could be interpreted that way, and thought I would bring it up.

The sarcastic way that you replied to my comment is not appreciated.



By stellarfluff On 04/06/04  

i think it's important to put your needs out there and be honest and communicative.

i, too, am annoyed by convict7's reponse because he completely missed the point and then bragged about his SO expects nothing (why don't you ask her about that). what is the point of living if you walk around and don't expect anything. expectations aren't necessarily flowers or chocolate, but feeling good, feeling loved, feeling secure and happy -- i suppose those are my own personal expectations. i don't think they are that complicated, and i don't they are far off from what i GIVE to others: friends, family, SO's, etc.

chelsea belle is pretty clear on the fact that she needs to have that Big Talk thing -- because she needs to be more clear about what she expects. her bf is just being a lazy pooper and he needs to be called on it. and by the way, CB, good luck, i hope you enjoy your time away and things improve.



By lilyblue On 04/06/04  

"He doesn't do anything special for me or anything that takes much *thought* at all."

Convict 7, when someone, including men, want their SO to do something special for them, it could simply mean to acknowledge how much they mean to them. That at times means doing something nice for them. Too bad you can't see that.

If you want to neglect your partner, then fine, I just would not brag about it. It is obvious to me and the other posters that, Chelsea Belle does not want to be treated as an afterthought. Like anyone else she expects to be valued.



By misshawklet On 04/06/04  

i think not giving a ride to the airport, or acting like its such a big thing for you to even ask, is ridicilous.

have that big talk!



By mishymisu On 04/06/04  

Hey, to pull out some sort of narcissistic manipulative neediness for stereotypical courtship motions and worship from a statement like that really says more about your deep-seated passive aggressiveness about "feminists" than it says about what she wants from her boy. Seriously, that's some leap right there, especially since many of the other women, including me, read it as a nod to the fact that he just doesn't do his share of the common courtesy acts like putting his crusty undies in the hamper. Interesting that the opinion of the women on what "special treatment" is largely "basic decency, respect and affection" while the opinion of the man is "manipulative one-sided ego stroking." Frankly, that pretty much depressingly sums up the sad state of the perception of women for me.

"The sarcastic way that you replied to my comment is not appreciated."

Well, I guess it's a good thing that my aim was to argue with your point and not appreciatively validate you. Dude, have you read my posts? I can't say that in my history I've been particularly non-sarcastic to anyone here. I like to think that that bitter snarkiness is what makes the glitterati say "Ah, that there's a Mishymisu post!". It's practically my trademark.




By scifininja On 04/06/04  

When my mom wasn't home for a few weeks because her dad was in the hospital, my brothers and my dad expected me to become the new mom. I'm not dad, or the oldest child, and I had homework to do so I told them I wasn't going to do crap.
They tried to get me to cook, and when they ran out of things in cans and lunchmeat they wanted me to go to the store for them. I don't know anything about doing laundry. But they put their clothes in the dirty clothes, and then they asked me why they didn't have any clean socks.
It wasn't a pretty week for any of us.
Right now dad is in the kitchen, and a pen leaked on him. He says "this pen is leaking! it got on my clothes. what should i do?"
I said "uh, i dunno."
He said "will it stain?"



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