me and by boyfriend have started talking about getting married in a year or two. while i could deal with a more non-conventional wedding, he is more traditional than me, which is fine. he was talking about who would be his best man/groomsmen. which made me think about who i would ask to be by maid of honor/bridesmaids. (i personally could do without them, but hubby wants them and it would seem silly for him to have them and me not to.)

there are 2 women that i have come up with as possibilities. i was close with both of them at different points in my life, just not now. (right now, i don't really have any close girlfriends.) though we don't communicate terribly often, maybe once an month, we're still friends.. like i said, we're just at different parts of our lifes.

is it appropriate to ask them to be bridesmaids? i don't know that they would even accept, as one of them is living a very alternative lifestyle and i don't know if bridesmaiding would be her "thing", and the other is a little "unstable". i guess i'm just wondering what the best idea would be.

also, what are a bridesmaid's/maid of honor's official responsibilities? i know they organize a bacholorette party, which will be a snap because a) as you can see i don't exactly have a huge circle of friends and b) am not interested in a stripper. :)

If it were my call, there's no way I'd ask the unstable friend. You'll have more than enough wedding drama without having to manage that.

Do you or he have any female relatives that would be more dependable? You could let them know up front what duties would be involved (get the dress, show up for rehearsal, etc. as opposed to throwing showers, helping with planning...)

i have a cousin that's 14, i hadn't considered her. i'm not close with her though. no other female relatives worth asking. he's just got brothers who are single, and i have a brother. i thought about asking my brother's girlfriend, they've been together for a couple years, but i just don't know her, and then if they break up, she'll be in all the pictures...

Do you have any close male friends? This doesn't really go along with a traditional wedding, but if you NEED to have someone to stand next to you, help organize showers and parties, and run the show on the big day, why not ask your closest male friend?

Either way, your maid/man of honor should be someone who is good at keeping a cool head, good at taking stress off of you, and anticipates your needs- someone who pitches in without having to be asked.

it sounds like you and your BF have really different ideas on what you want at your wedding. I think you should sit down and talk about this before deciding.

I wouldn't ask either friend to be your bridesmaid. I was in a wedding a few years ago and still wonder why. I've seen the woman 3 times since her wedding 3 years ago! It seems so silly. It was fun, but still...

Also, try not to feel obligated to have a bridemaid. If there is no one you'd like to ask, then that is ok.

I wish i had your problem. I was going to make a post about this. I recently got engaged.wahoo. now comes all the pressure. I have a sister and a cousin (who is like a little sister) who i am very close to. I already asked them. I also have a circle of friends. i was very close to all of them at one point, but not so much anymore (some of them not i don't like but am nice to the odd occasion our paths cross). my bf has a ton of friends he wants in the wedding (his first number was 5, i think it has gone up) i don't want that many, but i can live with it. since we don't know for sure yet and the wedding is still 2 or 3 years in the future i haven't decided yet. i told all of my girls that i picked my sister and cousin first and if i need more i will chose then. i actually had one friend call me and say "what do you mean your sister and cousin. I HAVE to be in the wedding" she was dead serious. i had another friend tell me to let her know when she should start saving for the dress. I am such a push over i am going to end up with people i don't want just because i don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Oh yeah, my sister did the elope thing so i can't. my mother would die if she doesnt' get to throw at least one wedding.

If you don't have/want any bridesmaids, than i don't think you should have them. I was a bridesmaid at a wedding with no ushers or groomsmen, and it was still a fantastic and mostly traditional wedding; we just acted like the ushers, which pleased my feminist heart.

And your maid/matron of honour should be someone who is close to you, not just a female friend. it could be your mom or your brother...anyone, practically. Someone who you want by your side to help you through a great day.

Good luck!

always a bridesmaid,
roxy

Lems, I say ask your brother. His girlfriend shouldn't be asked to fill a role just because she has a vagina.

There are no "official" bridesmaid/maid of honor responsibilities other than showing up and doing their duty the day of the wedding. It is nice if the people in these roles do supportive things like help you shop for a dress, listen to you bitch about wedding stress, throw you a shower and so on, but it's not essential.

Novarobin, from what you say, I would just stick with your cousin and your sister. If you just make a "just family" rule for your side, no one can be upset. (Well, they can be, but it limits how much steam they can gather.)

Weddings are often times more about pulling families closer together and laying the groundwork for future closeness then they are about affirming existing individual relationships with your friends. If I were you, i would ask the niece and the brother's gf (I assume your guy will have your brother in his wedding party, otherwise I agree that you should ask him) because it will make those people feel more included in the family affairs (and these are people you may not be close to now but they will be around for quite a while so you might as well take the opportunity to reach out to them). I would also ask the one friend who isn't unstable (I agree that an unstable friend you've drifted away from may be more anxiety than it's worth). Send her a nice letter explaining that even though you arn't as close as you once were, she has been someone who has had a lot of impact and importance in your life and that you would like her to be in the wedding. It will probably have the effect of re-affirming your closeness anyways. Alternative lifestyles or not, most people still get flattered to be asked to be included in a very important moment in a friend's life.

i opted to have only my sister as my only bridesmaid - my partner isn't having a bestman, rather a best friend (girl) who has flown over from the states. it was just natural for us to choose them because we're incredibly close to both

in my opinion and experience, i say there is no point in asking someone to do that for you, if you don't have a big connection with them to start with. i didn't ask my 'best friend' of more than 20 years to be my bridesmaid because we're just not 'best friends' anymore. she didn't expect too either really. i didn't ask my closer girl friends either because we don't catch up as often as we should and choosing between them would be hard. spending all that time (dress fittings, jewellery and shoe shopping etc.) with people that i didn't already spend time with would of been awkward for me

maybe you can work towards it though? spend more time with them to get back into swing?

if i had more bridesmaids, i would want 1. people that i spend alot of time with 2. comfortable and happy to be there and 3. people that you don't second guess

having said that, some couples have a bridal party filled with cousins and distant relatives etc. which has turned out just as nice (i think) for a bigger 'traditional' wedding.

i didn't give my sister anything to do other than book a mini get together the day before the wedding at a nail salon. easy and practical!

it's really up to the individual i guess - wedding's don't have to go by the book and that's how it should be really.

I always hated the bridesmaid thing, becuase it gets so clickish, you know you'll forget someone, or someone will feel left out. If it were me, i would have each female wear a different but simple corsage to wear and make up something about how that flower reminded you of her. and still give them small jobs.

I'm having three. My sister who I get along with off and on, but she's my sister. My friend Kathy who I don't see very much but she's considered part of the family and also a very positive person which will combat my sister. I am also having one male attendant, my friend Scott. He's the only high school friend I keep in touch with and I can't see asking anyone else just because they are female.

Beth

my cousin got married a year and a half ago, and she had a man of honour (her brother) and her now husband had a best woman (his sister). It worked out really well, and got a laugh out of everyone at the wedding ;) I say ask the people you feel comfortable with and truly *want* in the wedding, regardless of their sex :)
~Dana

When my brother got married, his wife had three bridesmaids and my brother had no one, and it was FINE! (It was also a very relaxed and small wedding.) I do feel sad about it now though, because he didn't ask me to do anything, but whatever!

I am getting married in July and I have 2 bridesmaids (and no official Maid of Honor) Mr. Tita has three groomsmen. No reason for it to be equal.

One alternative is to ask you mom, I know several people who have done that and it has been reaaly special!

Both don't really seem like appropriate bridesmaids. Honestly I've been in weddings where half the bridesmaids really shouldn't have been there. The bride was no longer really close to them, they were sorority sisters 10 years prior and had made a blood pledge that they would be in each other's weddings blah blah blah..

I personally will not be having any in my wedding (Lucky was previously married... I was actually supposed to be in that wedding although his first wife and I were more dancing pals than real friends... and doesn't want to go through that all again and I don't because I don't want to hurt anyones' feelings)...

What about having his friends do readings... or be ushers and not stand up at the wedding.

Wildsnowflake

I had a good bridesmaid and an unstable one. The unstable bridesmaid called 2 weeks before wedding and said she was not coming. Fine. She shows up at the wedding (which was my gift, that she surprised me) in the same color dress as the bridesmaid dress, wanting her flowers and to be called Maid of Honor. We're both still a little peeved at each other, but still friends.
There were so many things about my wedding that were not really my choice (funk band, I wanted DJ, etc).
Lucky for me, I never had fantasies about the perfect wedding, I'm just glad my family and his family were there, and we're married.
Craziness will happen b/c emotions are high, and you just have to remember to stay in teh eye of teh storm where it's calm.

for the orginal poster, i agree with what someone else said- you need to talk with your partner about what exactly you expect.

there's absolutely no reason to have distant friends as bridesmaids just to have them. asking someone to stand with you is an honor you give because you _want_ to. not because you feel obligated or guilted into it, and not because you want even photos or something ridiculous like that.

when i get married, my sister will be my maid of honor, depending on what my groom does, my brothers will either stand with him or me. that's it. i have several very close friends and other relatives that i'll ask to do readings or something, but i'm really against having five friends in matching dresses who are going to fight the whole time beforehand just for the sake of a photo op.

and for the poster who had already asked her sister and cousin, leave it at that and use the family excuse.

and congratulations to all the soon-to-be-weds!

My advice as a five time former bridesmaid would be to skip this societal convention if it isn't right for you. Or, if you feel your future husband would be down on that, ask your mother or a close male friend to stand with you in the ceremony.