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By Hipkitty On 09/14/02  

Hey guys im feelin depressed as... My boyfriends mother just forbade him from seeing me, im on my period, i cut my ankles n wrists (n i was doing so well.. i think i went a week without doing it) my sister is angry with me, i got a bad mark for drama (cuz i couldnt do all the acrobatic thingies cuz of my period, which i think is stupid, my drama teacher doesnt understand cuz hes a man, even tho i tried telling him it was cuz of cramps n thiings) i smoked a helluva lot more then i shouldve, almost chain smoking im that stressed, i have the worst headache tooo...
also, i tried to learn how to knit but im so not patient, i have a patience span of abt 3 seconds, and i just had a hissy fit at my mum, and even tho she underttsnads she looked upset that i yelled at her... my bf isnt even alowed to call me, i miss him so much already... i nkow thiis is kind of a tangled message, but im so confused n upset i could not care less.. my kbrd is givin me the shits, the keys only work if u bash em, which im doin cuz im so stressed... a so called 'friend' backstabbed me, and told everyone all abt my life (basically including lots of drugs, rape, and self harm), and i think everyone thinks im stupid or something. but i couldnt care less. im thinking of killing myself, i just hate life at the moment, and i just want to do craft but i have absolutly bno suplies and no money, not even beads or fishing wire, or anything remotely crafty, cept pens n pencils, butt im so shit at art... and i have no money either, so i cant go buy stuff... and im just feeling like im different to everyone and i cant talk to anyone, i feel like no one wants to listen. i called up all my friends and all 3 of them werent there, i cant talk to james, i cant talk to my mum, i cant talk to my sisters cuz theyre too young to understand, and i just needed to vent... i feel like im so alone. i thought abt calling kids helpline or something but i dont wanna talk to a dumb stranger who doesnt even know me... and i couldnt anyway, cuz my mum sits right by the fone, which isnt portible, so i cant talk cuz my mum will be upset i didnt talk to her.. i feel so helpless right now.
what can i do to make myself feel better? or should i just end it all? im sick of everything, xcept crafting and james, but i have nothing to do craft with, and james' parents wont let me speak to him.
i also made myself throw up after everything i ate today... n thats bad for me i thought i was getting out of that too... but i feel so ugly n fat... :(

i dont know how u can.. but.. help :(


By Lyssalicious On 09/14/02  

Hipkitty, do NOT kill yourself. Do NOT. However you're feeling right now, it will pass. Things will get better. If things are really bad now, they can only get better, right? Go talk to somebody. People care about you, and they don't want you to die. And you're beautiful! I know you are! Hugs up the wazoo for you! I sincerely hope you feel better soon.

By gadgetgirl On 09/14/02  

Hi Princess, big hugs comin' your way.

YOU ARE A WONDERFUL BEAUTIFUL PERSON!!! (I know it's not the same as a hug from your guy, but I wanted you to hear it.

I want you to think of another time in your life where things didn't seem like they would get better. A time when thigs sucked and seemed hopeless. And I want you to think how things DID get better, even if they only got better by a little. Everyone has times of darkness, times where all seems lost. BE sure you are writing down what you are feeling right now, so if you get into this headspace again, and then get out of it (and you will get out of it!!!) yo will be able to look back and see how far you have come.

HAve you ever heard the saying that the best revenge is living large? Well, I'm a firm believer of it. I had a real sucky time in High School. My Mom didn't really care, my Dad was nonexistant, the guys I dated, well, were assholes, everyone at school made fun of me. Basically noone understood how my head worked. I felt really alone, lost, like I was spinning my wheels getting nowhere. But after getting was too stuck into drinking, smoking, drugs, etc, I got my shit together and decided that those assholes wouldn't keep me down.
So now I follow what I believe, (peace loving feminist, baby!) have a groovie job, great hubby, great friends, live overseas, travel a lot, create, learn, am a published writer, and basically just enjoy life.

There is a really good book called 'Don't Let YOur Hormones Ruin Your Life' by Dr. Sandra Cabot. SHe's really amazing. It sounds like you may have some physical issues that can be sorted out. OK? Hormones problems are NOT in your head, they are a real problem for a lot of women. You can take control of this and kick it!

Take care.
post soon,

By lunarlather On 09/14/02  


I can't even begin to imagine the pain you are feeling right now, but know that your glitter friends care about you and want you to feel better!

And as much as the adults in your life may seem to be the problem, it is very important that you find SOMEONE you can talk to about what's going on with you. Is your mom aware of what's happening--can she find a counselor for you to talk to?

I was an incredibly depressed child, teen, and young adult until I found a wonderful counselor and doctor who helped me tremendously. I've always wondered how different my life would have been if I had found someone like that when I was younger. All those wasted years of misery...


By Hipkitty On 09/14/02  

thank you all for making me feel a lil better... i love you guys.

By windowshopper On 09/14/02  

i'm sorry you're having such a tough time.
you're just gonna have to stick around to get to the good part.
when no one else is being nice to you've gotta decide to be nice to yourself, it feels good too beleive it or not.

i saw in your journal your cute pictures.
do you have a camera?
you could take lots of wierd interesting pictures and post them on your site.
i know how you feel about knitting.
i'm trying to learn too and it's not the best for instant gratification.
so frustrating!

also, i have a load of stuff around the house going to waste just waiting for someone to love, so email me if you want me to send you a suprise.


By quixotic. On 09/14/02  


i agree with what everyelse has said, wholeheartedly. write, talk, scream, run: get out the frustration you are feeling without doing physical harm to yourself. i *promise* it works. i, too, have some extra craft stuff and would love to send some of it your way...

take care of yourself,

By gadgetgirl On 09/14/02  

Hey Princess,
you out there in cyberland this morning?

(who is thinking of you!)

By stella On 09/14/02  

sweetie, you HAVE to take care of yourself. i can't say i know how you feel, because i don't, but i sure as hell know all about cutting and hating yourself and wanting to die. and trust me, you won't always feel like this, even though you can't see an end. i know it's cheesy, but it really helps me to think "this too shall pass", because it will.

if you feel like you can't get through this without hurting yourself more, please, please, please go to the emergency room. there is absolutely no shame in asking for the help you need. take care of yourself.


By amphoteric On 09/14/02  

i second everything everyone else said. also, do consider the helpline thing if you really need to talk - *i* find it sometimes easier to talk to strangers when things are really bad, and maybe you won't, but it could be worth a try. take a handful of change and go to a payphone (unless you're broke beyond phonecall cost, that is - maybe at a time when your mum's out? or are there freephone lines?)

also, about those pencils and paper - perhaps (and i'm not trying to be patronising or pretend that my experiences were the same as yours, but i was depressed and self-harming for years, and really, really feel for you, but can't do much beyond sharing suggestions and ideas) you could try journalling, or writing letters to yourself? art journalling, at that? it doesn't have to be good - the process is much more important than some shiny end-product. however, i'm very introverted and prone to burying my feelings, so maybe writing and making art about it doesn't work for everyone.

please take care of yourself, and have the courage to seek help if you need it. if i can do anything, if you'd fancy a penpal or something, let me know - it's not much, i know. *hug*


By Hipkitty On 09/14/02  

thank you all, i feel a bit better this morning... i let myself sleep in, hehe. i dont know what id do without you guys... thanks so much.

By linfin On 09/14/02  

oh, I will send you a crafty surprise as well if you like! Just email me and let me know what kind of things you like to do, or if there is something you want to try!

By Hipkitty On 09/14/02  

you guys are totally awesome. i love you all!

By btterflygrrl On 09/15/02  

hey hipkitty,

I'm really glad to see that you've asked us for help. That's such a step in the right direction. I noticed in your journal that you mentioned the people around you would like to see you in counseling. From what I read, you seem opposed to the idea. While I know it's hard to open up to someone who is a stranger, I think it would really help you. Someone's only a stranger as long as you allow them to be. Counseling is a tough thing to admit you need, but here's the way I see it. Therapist go to school for years, intern for a few more and choose to spend their lives to help people, like you, who need someone to talk to. They've devoted themselves to helping you, all you have to do is let them...

good luck,

By susan*s On 09/15/02  


I just wanted to let you know that I am sending your grab bag on Monday, & that I've been thinking of you with lots of love since I saw your earlier post. Please take care of yourself! And I agree about the counseling, I had a mean, abusive father who went into rages all the time & called me & my brother every name in the book... until he killed himself. Going to therapy really helped me through the aftermath of that & I am MUCH happier now. Things will get better!!! Just hang on & do what you need to do for yourself.



PS And you will have some crafting supplies soon! :)

By starfish On 09/15/02  


I am glad you are feeling better. I really want you to know that high school is the Worst years of your life. You'll get better, trust me. Please email me your address. Lack of crafting supplies truely is tragic. (my email is in my profile)

By Hipkitty On 09/15/02  

I think I will go to counseling... u guys literaly saved my life this weekend. thank you all so much. i love you guys *wipes tear from eye* hehe


By Hipkitty On 09/15/02  

My mum just told me i gotta move to wollongong... wollongong! ill be so far away from James and my 3 best friends and everything else i have here! i dont know wha im gonna do

By lozenge On 09/15/02  

how come woollongong? and just you moving? or your family?

By Hipkitty On 09/15/02  

My mum and one of my sisters are also moving. i dont know, i know it seems small but its just, im so stressed at the moment

By Hipkitty On 09/15/02  

I tried calling someone to talk to but they were busy n then i tried again n this guy took my details n then said bye n i just dont know who i should talk to all i wanna do is cut myself but i just dont wanna either cuz its bad and i shouldnt and i just dont know anymore and im so confused.. n i need a hug :(

By CircleK On 09/15/02  

Well then, I'm sending you a huge hug. The beauty of this hug is that you can feel it in Wollygong or any other place you're at. Remember that your glitter sisters love you!

By XoeCraft On 09/15/02  

Here's a hug (((((hipkitty))))).

I don't know what to say to try to help. But, I have been in similar pain. Cutting myself, drinking and doing drugs, puking after every meal.(As well as some things that I can't talk about now, because it'd be incriminating.) And just when it was at it's very bleakest,(I would have killed myself if I could have gotten the energy to do it) my best friend (we'd been best friends for 13 years) kicked me out of my house. Which made me also lose my job. I lost all of my friends and my job and my place to live.

I went to the hospital. And, I am so much better now. That was 8 years ago.

Please, try to hang in there. There is light at the end of the trouble-tunnel. There really is. Go to the hospital if you need to. Don't be embarrassed. Don't think you're over-reacting. Just go.

There are people who care about you and love you. And you're worth it!


By joyfulgirl On 09/15/02  

I'm glad to hear that you are doing better, and that so many people on this board are reaching out to tell you that they have had similar feelings and you will have a similar recovery. I wanted to send you alittle list of things that I do when I get really really really depressed and can't handle things (maybe you can put those pens and sheets of paper to work and write your own little lists or something). Exercise (sounds revolting, doesn't need to be) - go for a long walk alone or with a friend. Walk fast when you start to get really frustrated and even run if you feel like you want to. Look around, take deep breaths, feel how good it is to have 2 legs! Talk - to yourself on paper, to a friend who will meet you and show you that they love you, to your sisters, even if it isn't about you but just about happy subjects like old times or things they are interested in, just to have a connection. Tell your mom how you are feeling. And hotlines are not as bad as you might think, they can be an interesting way to get some help, and ask questions and learn. Create - take out all of your aggression and sadness and hurt on the page, even if it is just one long long long line on a piece of paper or a rhyme or doodles. See what's in your room, maybe you can cut up some magazines and decorate a new journal or write song lyrics up the leg of a pair of pants. Write letters to old friends.

Whatever happens, just know that this will past. I always tell myself that as bad as I'm feeling, that's how good I will be feeling later on. It balances itself out - so you have some wonderful things to look forward to and enjoy. Just don't stop trying, because you are worth your one chance at life.

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