ive been putting this off for so long and hopefully posting here will help sort some things out, or at least force me into decisivness.
i want out of the relationship with my fiancee. this is why.
-this past years been hard. i have changed, alot. i dont want to be seen holding hands with her becasue i am still terrified of stuff that happeend this past year in school. i used to be incredibly comfortable with being gay, and now i'm less visably so...like i wont just be like, 'oh yeah, i havea girlfriend actually' i was never very blatnet but i was never closeted, eaither, not counting some preteen and early teenage years of denial. well, thats changed now. im still the same person, but im alot more cautious, serious and sensitive then i've ever been.
she dosen't understand why i'm acting this way. she is very very very GAAAAY and thinks i might be 'turning straight' becasue i'm not like that. she wants to visit here and tell everyone to fuckl off and be all loud and political etc. i had to tell her about 20 times that i DIDNT WANT HER HERE for HER OWN safty, and that her saying ANYTHING would only put both her and i in more danger.
that said, she loves to complain about the homophobia and bad stuff going on in PHILLY, one of the most liberal areas of pa. about how fuckign oppressed she is. honey, you dont know what oppression IS.
ive told her time and agian how scared i am and shes been supportive, but shes also been very adament on me leaving here and coming back, becasue she wants me here. well, sorry, but i want an education. bad. i got to rmu for free. i'm not going to transfer back to philly until i save enough to pay extra for loans at west chester, and a place to stay as well. also, my parents are moving at christmas. i want to see them in the silly hope that somehow mom and i reconcile before she leaves. she tells me im a people pleaser and it never is going to happen. I KNOW THAT. she thinks that that is me being weak and letting myself be stepped on. i don't need my ever fault pointed out to me.
I WANT OUT. but im afraid to. she loves me, alot, more then anyone- parents, family, friends- ever have in my life. and thats a scary thing to let go of.
she is willing to be accomdating and wants to be together forever, loves me more then anyone, talks about us growing old and starting a family etc. she's rushing into that too soon. were been best friends for 4 years and a couple for 1 year and a few months. as she likes to point out, im rawther 'experianced' and thus tainted from having sex with men. shes a virgin. she wants to have sex right away. i'm more then a little uneasy about that.
anyway. any glitterati advice? to stay? to leave?