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By violet On 09/11/02  

ive been putting this off for so long and hopefully posting here will help sort some things out, or at least force me into decisivness.

i want out of the relationship with my fiancee. this is why.

-this past years been hard. i have changed, alot. i dont want to be seen holding hands with her becasue i am still terrified of stuff that happeend this past year in school. i used to be incredibly comfortable with being gay, and now i'm less visably i wont just be like, 'oh yeah, i havea girlfriend actually' i was never very blatnet but i was never closeted, eaither, not counting some preteen and early teenage years of denial. well, thats changed now. im still the same person, but im alot more cautious, serious and sensitive then i've ever been.

she dosen't understand why i'm acting this way. she is very very very GAAAAY and thinks i might be 'turning straight' becasue i'm not like that. she wants to visit here and tell everyone to fuckl off and be all loud and political etc. i had to tell her about 20 times that i DIDNT WANT HER HERE for HER OWN safty, and that her saying ANYTHING would only put both her and i in more danger.

that said, she loves to complain about the homophobia and bad stuff going on in PHILLY, one of the most liberal areas of pa. about how fuckign oppressed she is. honey, you dont know what oppression IS.

ive told her time and agian how scared i am and shes been supportive, but shes also been very adament on me leaving here and coming back, becasue she wants me here. well, sorry, but i want an education. bad. i got to rmu for free. i'm not going to transfer back to philly until i save enough to pay extra for loans at west chester, and a place to stay as well. also, my parents are moving at christmas. i want to see them in the silly hope that somehow mom and i reconcile before she leaves. she tells me im a people pleaser and it never is going to happen. I KNOW THAT. she thinks that that is me being weak and letting myself be stepped on. i don't need my ever fault pointed out to me.

I WANT OUT. but im afraid to. she loves me, alot, more then anyone- parents, family, friends- ever have in my life. and thats a scary thing to let go of.

she is willing to be accomdating and wants to be together forever, loves me more then anyone, talks about us growing old and starting a family etc. she's rushing into that too soon. were been best friends for 4 years and a couple for 1 year and a few months. as she likes to point out, im rawther 'experianced' and thus tainted from having sex with men. shes a virgin. she wants to have sex right away. i'm more then a little uneasy about that.

anyway. any glitterati advice? to stay? to leave?

By farce On 09/11/02  

aw sweetie staying in a relationship that you are unhappy in isnt good for anyone. You really need to talk to her about how you feel and maybe you can work things out but if not you need to move on... I dont really have any good advice though. Just think of your happiness for once you tend to put it on the back burner.

lots o love

By Elf_Chick On 09/11/02  

sounds like you've made the decision, m'dear. you know what you want to do. follow your heart, and be happy.


By stella On 09/11/02  

it sounds to me like you are being very mature and responsible, in a good way. breaking up really sucks, especially when you're conflicted about it, but i think you know what the right thing to do is. the only person in the world you can take care of is yourself, darlin'.


By smachel On 09/11/02  

ditto to everyone


By meadow On 09/11/02  

it definitly sounds like you need a break.
have you told her anything? vented? maybe its my optimism but maybe if you told this to her she would understand your point better and try to improve her attitude?
but yeah i think you have to take care of violet. and if she is making you feel not so good then just follow your mind and heart.
either way itll be fine.

By violet On 09/11/02  

i've been trying to talk to her but nothing seems to get through.

maybe i'm amkign her sound worse then she is, shes a very nice, aweosme girl, perhaps something wrong in her life that *i* dont know about...she has one freak of a mom as well and has had lots of problems with eplilepsy. but as far as shes been telling my things are going greaaat lately.

i love you all.

By januarygrl On 09/11/02  

hey vi, you know that i know exactly where you are coming from, and your situation sounds almost exactly like mine. the thing is though, if you're that unhappy there's no reason for you to stay. people change and grow, esp. at your stage in life, and it's unfair to expect people to stay the same. her problems and her neediness are not your responsibility, and it's not your responsibility to make sure she's happy. i'm starting to understand that now, and it's because you told me so yesterday at the chat. i never had anyone put it that way before, and now i'm starting to let go of the guilt that's associated with my relationship. and so should you.

i'll do it if you do it, and i'll be doing it after my trip. whatta ya say? :P

jangrl. :)

By vicious081 On 09/11/02  

i really have no advice to add, everyone else has said everything well. i just want to wish you good luck with what you chose to do.

By starxduzt On 09/12/02  

Like everyone else sounds like you have made your decision...NEVER EVER stay in a relationship when you aren't happy...Never sacrifice your own happiness for others, both of you will wind up miserable in the end...*hugs*


By vicky_vale On 09/12/02  

my own advice is very cheesy but also very true: listin to your heart
that being said (hug) and i hope you and her can work it out.

By s_q On 09/12/02  


Breaking up is hard to do, but sometimes necessary. It really just semas like the two of you aren't on the same page right now, which is nobody's fault. But you owe it to yourself, and to her, to be honest and do what is best. If it is meant to be it may just take a while. good luck :)

By violet On 09/12/02  

were talking right now :(

By Lyssalicious On 09/12/02  

Good luck with your conversation, Violet. ((Hugs))

By ladyjane On 09/12/02  

(((violet))) I don't really have advice, but I support your decision.

One thing you said:

"ive told her time and agian how scared i am and shes been supportive, but shes also been very adament on me leaving here and coming back, becasue she wants me here. well, sorry, but i want an education. bad. i got to rmu for free. i'm not going to transfer back to philly until i save enough to pay extra for loans at west chester, and a place to stay as well."

You are *absolutely* right about this! Your gf does not understand how $$$ West Chester is! I know you care about each-other, but I think she's being a little selfish, and not seeing reality. Why should *you* move to where *she* is, and not the other way around? It sounds like she's rushing into things, as you said, and is being pushy and posessive.

I hope that, as time goes by, you can feel more comfortable with being "out" in general. Depending upon where you go to school, it can be easier, I've heard. I know it's hard where you live, it's stuck in a 50's time warp, and people own shotguns and stuff. Urgh.

And that stuff about being "tainted" b/c you were with guys is bullshit. I think (personally), that sexuality and sexual preference is never as clear-cut as all these categories. (For example, I'm straight, but honestly think some girls are, hey, what does that make me? I also think transgendered people are incredibly beautiful/handsome, because they incorporate the best parts of each gender roles. I mean, I can love my sweetie, but still think Joan Jett with her shaved head and pierced nose is sexxxy as all hell. Why not?)

By bunny On 09/12/02  

how did the talk go?

By windowshopper On 09/12/02  

try not to be too overwhelmed by the future looming out there and think about what would make you the happiest right now.
hang in there and good luck, i know it's hard.

By violet On 09/12/02  

are you from philly? i used to live right by west chester college in the middle of town, off of gay street. :) shes like, 'so get a scholorship!' i did, but not enough for the whole thing, and its a good school but rmu is so much better.

as for clear cut sexualities, ive always been gay, but when your 12-15, your hormones are out there. if a straight girl got with another girl at that age, it really wouldn't mean they were gay at all. she dosen't get that.

we talked yesterday. i was showing what she was saying to justine as we were im'ing (thank you, justine, for listenign to my bitchins) and justine described her as talking 'like a fortune cookie.' exactly. i had no idea if she even KNEW what i was saying. :( im calling her tomorrow.

By blueduvet On 09/12/02  

good luck, violet. the other ladies here have already said what I would've said. go with your instinct.

By ladyjane On 09/12/02  

"ladyjane: are you from philly?" - violet

Nope, originally from Bethlehem (Lehigh Valley), which is about 70 miles away. So, basically, I was a long day-trip away. (I used to commute into Philly for a job I had, too.) Plenty of people from back home went to Temple, etc. etc. And West Chester is goddamn ritzy and expensive, from what I hear! It's not no freaking State School, that's for sure!

So, I mean, the college decision definitely has economic factors for you, and I can see how it'd be foolish to just toss away a financed education and try to get into West Chester. Plus the $$$ of housing. I was affirming that that's a reasonable choice on your part. It's not like she couldn't have visited you or something...

Just my $0.02...

By violet On 09/12/02  

west chester is hardly ritzy, its a community college! however ive been getting more scholorships at private u's that need diversity and most importantly people to stay in pittsburg (a big problem, wonder why?) :)

bethlehem, i had a cousin who lived in reading and if im not mistaken thats not too far....? it was really beautiful down there.

By startle On 09/13/02  

*hugs* for vi

By jtsang On 09/13/02  

Hey Violet,
I hope everything goes ok. But believe me, it's better to cut it off now if things are bad then to let it get worse and worse and feel opressed by the fact that you're in too deep. I do hope you listen to yourself, you've said some pretty smart stuff, and go and do what's best for you, b/c people change a LOT from HS to college, that's why most of those hs sweetie relationships fizzle, people become who they are, and they realize they're not like who they were when they started going out
good luck!

By SublimeStitcher On 09/13/02  

triple ditto. Don't let her make you feel pressured about anything.

By violet On 09/13/02  

it's over now.

i dont think she got it. she kept telling me about how i should leave and that im not putting myself first blah blah. i mean she is worreid about my saftey but the real reason is her own selfishness that came through loud and clear when we talked, 3 hours of sobbing long distance and we're through with.

i dont think she gets it, though. i think she thinks im just being pmsy oe soemthing, that were 'taking a break.' i cdont think i got through to her. she just kept making analogies and talking about other people who did stuff that sh thought was 'similar' and how baaad they were etc.

she even said 'its good were talking like this, becasue some day we might get into a real fight over a real issue.' WTF?

i'm angry/frustrated/confused, but hey, I DID IT.

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